I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
