Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
