He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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