I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
