porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
