The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize