Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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