ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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