I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
