this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize