update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
