i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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