If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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