Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
