next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
