He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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