My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
