Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
