You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
