Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
