First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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