I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
