just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
