I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
