its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
