We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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