I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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