i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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