I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
