life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
