I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
