Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
cat food counts as protein by the way
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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