you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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