I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
