you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
His nipple licking is glorious
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