You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
