Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
