before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
