Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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