at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
