Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
