Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
