I cockslap morals
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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