What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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