paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
