My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
