I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
