Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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