I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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