her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is Oprah even human
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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