I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
