i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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