just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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