I want to have your abortion
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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