there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
