We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
