What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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