Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize