moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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