I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just forgot I was standing up.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
