I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
