then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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