It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
