She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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