It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize