That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
