Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
