It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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