new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
