Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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