I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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